If only wisdom comes before experience, many would have been spared of indecisions, heartaches, and regrets.
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Found myself unable to sleep despite shutting my mind from random thoughts, taking several deep breaths, and doing a mild stretch. I figured milk would help and so I went to the fridge to check. Milk smelled funny. Just my luck. Maybe its just the smell of milk around the lid, so I still poured whatever's left from the milk carton into a mug and took a sip. Yuck! Yup, milk's stale. I still tried to get some zzzzzs but gave up trying after several minutes. Maybe I'll take a walk when the sun's up or get to work really early. But that's something I can do before sunrise and I still have plenty of time to kill. Thank the heavens for laptop and internet.
Two significant things done.
First, just e-mailed a reply to one of my best girl friends who's overseas. She sent me a text about nine days back and she was concerned with something about work and her boss. I couldn't reply through text and so e-mail's my last resort to reach her. I wonder how she's doing at work now and really hoping that she's okay. Being physically apart lessens my ability to make her feel assured that I've got her back. I can only hope she knew I was in the listening end.
Second, searched for my ex of roughly three years on facebook. No, I'm not hankering for my ex who happens to be my first boyfriend and whom I've shared roughly four years with. I honestly feel that I'm in a healthy place for maybe a year now. The search for ex was to gauge my reaction on seeing his photos with his wife. One of my closest guy friends found out about ex's new civil status on facebook. Exactly when close guy friend found out about it, I'm not sure. He shared the info just a few nights ago when we we're talking relationship matters. He only told me about it after asking a hypothetical question: would you still talk to ex if the later initiates contact? Since the time I found out about the deal breaker, my answer has always been NO. I never wanted to speak to ex again even though he tried communicating. I was firm about not wanting to speak to him and to not even bother explaining why. (I did vent out on his pal who also became a good friend.) He made attempts to communicate but his intentions weren't clear to me. I loved him so much and I couldn't take any explanation with a clear mind. I knew that if I let my defenses down, he could easily win me back or crush me into pieces. My options are tiresome at its best, and numbingly heartbreaking at its worst. Back then, I knew I was at peace with letting go because I was tired of the work that the relationship required. So tired that to even think about working on an amicable ending was torture enough. Who knew that being stubborn, angry, tired, and confused all at the same time can be a recipe for letting go?
What I felt when I saw the photo? There's still that heady feeling and that indescribable warmth that goes through me. It's really less intense as three years back. I looked at it again just now and I can now shrug it off. Contrary to what close guy friend said, ex's new built suits him and the wife has a cute smile. I guess, I'm just happy he didn't marry the dealbreaker, and with all sincerity (and certainty) I wish him a solid married life. It will be a hell lot of work to keep it together and I wish them all the best.
